My Plan Doesn't Really Matter Anymore...

I have been thinking a lot lately about the will of God and

how we align ours with His.  How do we forsake

our will and have full faith in His plan for us?

I remember when I was sick, I was in the

hospital and I had just been told

that it was cancer and that I would need

intense chemo and that I would lose my hair.

I was trying to process everything but was very

overwhelmed.  It hadn't yet settled in that my life was

about to take a very different path.  I remember wondering

if I was going to die and if my Mom would be ok

and if I was really ready to die.   I was 

very overwhelmed.  That same night, after all my nurses

and family and friends left, I laid in bed by myself and

began to really cry for the first time that day.

I was too weak to get off my bed and I was hooked up to to 

many machines...so I began to pray.  I prayed 

like I had never prayed before.  I just

asked why this was happening.  I am so young

and I have so many plans.  How can this be happening?

I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little upset/ frustrated.

Within in moments this very overwhelming and thick

blanket of comfort washed over my body.  I was

filled with peace like I had never experienced.  And my own

voice came to me very clearly,

"Bekah.....everything is going to be fine.  But

I just need you to do this.  Trust in me."

From that moment on, I never gave up.  I fought

like I had never fought before.  I still had my moments

of anguish and pain emotionally and physically, but I knew

God's plan for me.  I knew that this was my refiner's fire and

that I was starting to become the person He needed me to be.
The "why" didn't matter anymore.  It became more "how can I
turn to my Savior and trust in Him?
  How can I become better through
this?  How can I become whole through the
Atonement of Jesus Christ?"

As I look back on that....I am who I am today because of the cancer.

But not just the cancer...I gave up my will.  I turned it over to

the Lord and just focused on getting healthy and doing whatever

He wanted me to do.   My relationship with God was

all the mattered!

I am again at that point.  I have been trying to control/ force 

certain things in my life and it is not working.  In fact...it is kind of

back firing and it is very painful. I have

been stubborn, selfish, prideful, and have

made many mistakes.  

But...what I want doesn't really matter anymore.  I just want to

do what Heavenly Father wants me to do.  I just want to

do His will, be obedient and have faith in Him and
in His plan for me.  Just like the current bush,
we have to be cut down, hurt a little to
get to where He wants us to be.
Pain is necessary for growth.  

My patriarchal blessing states many times

that I am to influence those around me.

I will be placed in different parts of the world and it will be
my responsibility and purpose to lift those around me
both spiritually and physically.
Because of this....I am to be very selective about the
companion I choose to marry.  

I had a blessing a few weeks ago that I am not living up to

the promises in my Patriarchal blessing and that

I have not been listening close enough to promptings I have been

given.  It was a very humbling

experience since it was given by a  man who doesn't know my blessing.

I felt very chastised and I knew that I needed

to repent and get focused.  

God lives.  He loves us.  He knows

what is going on.  We can't give up.  

We can't quit.  We just need to keep trying.

There is so much good and happiness ahead.

I pray that we may all seek God's will for us.

Honestly...it is the only way to go.